TALKING POINTS FOR AMERICANS TRAVELING ABROAD
Over the last eight years, American travelers to foreign countries have
gotten used to hearing admiring comments about how intelligent and capable
our president is, about how he is the master of policy detail, and about how
much other nations envy us for having such an impressive leader.
Unfortunately, that is about to dramatically change. For some inexplicable
reason, foreigners have gotten the impression that our new leader is, in the
words of Al Campanis, "lacking the necessities". As a result, vigilant
American tourists must be ready to deal with disdainful remarks and
unflattering comparisons about our new leader that will inevitably confront
them over the next four years. The operative motto here is: Be Prepared.
For example, when visiting the Czech republic, Americans are likely to hear
snide references to the fact that their leader is an award winning
playwright, whereas our new leader is a barely functioning illiterate. It is
so typical of those people to play the literacy card, but you'll be ready
for them. First, aggressively point out that, as Governor of Texas, our new
leader was renowned as an expert video game player. That's video games, as
in electronics, i.e., central processing units, printed circuit boards,
advanced microprocessors, and state of the art silicon wafer technology.
Just a tad more sophisticated than "writing", i.e., a childishly primitive
amalgam of forest products and ink. As they're staggering from the
realization of just how much they've underestimated our new leader, don't
forget to finish them off by challenging them to name Vaclav Havel's high
score in Frogger.
In Zimbabwe, they might draw an unfavorable parallel between our new leader
and theirs regarding social justice. They will claim that their man has
shown his commitment to progress by spending funds to promote rural land
reform that financially benefits the simple peasants in the outlying
provinces. They need to hear that our new leader showed his commitment to
social justice when he arranged for the spending of almost 200 million
taxpayer dollars in order to promote land reform in Arlington, Texas, that
resulted in much greater financial security for at least one undereducated
rural resident.
In the Sudan, they might tout their leader's ability to literally recite the
entire Koran from memory. Immediately counter with the fact that our new
leader can literally stare for hours in rapt fascination at small, shiny
objects.
The Scottish could laud their leader for fiscal responsibility, thereby
implicitly suggesting a positive contrast with our new leader. Don't put up
with it. Inform them that our new leader had the courage to withstand great
pressure from spendthrift elitists, and was able to prevent even one penny
from being squandered on medical care for indigent children. Ask them
whether their leader has ever been a small business. Has he ever made the
pie higher?
While you are in Singapore they might have the temerity to brag about their
leader's get-tough policy on crime. They think their leader is tough? You
must let them know that our new leader not only provides low income
defendants with alcoholic and narcoleptic defense lawyers, but after they
are convicted of capital crimes he quickly fries them prior to publicly
mocking their desperate pleas for mercy. Tough is as tough does.
And when in Germany, you'll probably have to endure snotty talk about how
their leader is a gifted orator, whereas our new leader redefines
"inarticulate" every time he makes the mistake of opening his mouth. Quickly
remind these Huns that they don't know what's in our new leader's heart,
that he is a compassionate conservative, and that he's a uniter, not a
divider. Remember to throw in a cryptic non sequiter about "fuzzy math", and
repeatedly accuse them of embellishing and exaggerating. Also proclaim that
only he could restore honor and integrity to the Bundestag, and finish by
stating authoritatively that the German government doesn't deserve any
credit for Germany's strong economy.
Having set the record straight, you should then throw back a few beers and
drive off, erratically, into the night.
Written by
David Podvin